How to Write a Eulogy: A Gentle Step-by-Step Guide With an Example

Being asked to give a eulogy is an honor that rarely feels like one at first. You’re grieving, you’re probably short on time, and you may feel that no speech could possibly do justice to the person you’ve lost.

Here’s something that may help: a eulogy doesn’t need to capture an entire life. It needs to help the people in the room remember someone clearly, together, for a few minutes. That’s a smaller and more achievable task, and this guide walks you through it step by step.

What Is a Eulogy?

A eulogy is a short speech given at a funeral or memorial that honors the life of the person who has died. The word comes from Greek roots meaning “good words.”

It’s different from an obituary. An obituary is a written notice that records facts: dates, family members, career, service details. A eulogy is personal. It’s less about what the person did and more about who they were, and what they meant to the people who knew them.

A eulogy has three quiet jobs:

1. Honor the person’s character and life.
2. Comfort those who are grieving by giving them shared memories to hold.
3. Connect the room, reminding everyone what they have in common: they loved this person.

Step 1: Check the Practical Details

Before you write anything, ask the family or the officiant:

• How long should I speak? Most eulogies are three to seven minutes.
• Who else is speaking? If several people are giving tributes, coordinate so you don’t all tell the same story.
• Are there religious or cultural expectations? Some services include specific readings, prayers, or customs; some families prefer a more formal or more relaxed tone.
• Is there anything to avoid? Families sometimes have sensitive topics, such as the circumstances of the death or a family conflict, that should be left out.

These answers will shape everything that follows, and asking them shows care.

Step 2: Gather Memories and Stories

Spend some time collecting material before you try to write. Sit with a notebook, or record voice memos on your phone, and answer questions like:

• What three words would most people use to describe them?
• What did they always say? Did they have a favorite phrase or piece of advice?
• What were they like on an ordinary Tuesday?
• What did they love: people, places, food, music, work, hobbies?
• What is a moment with them you’ll never forget?
• How did they make other people feel?
• What did they teach you, on purpose or by example?

Ask others, too. Call a sibling, a close friend, a coworker. Ask, “What’s a story about them you’d want people to hear?” You’ll gather details you didn’t know, and the eulogy will represent more of their life than your own corner of it.

Write everything down without judging. You’ll choose later.

Step 3: Find a Theme

Look over your notes and ask: What thread runs through all of this? Maybe your grandmother was always feeding people. Maybe your friend never stopped asking questions. Maybe your father fixed things, from bicycles to bad days.

A theme gives your eulogy shape. Instead of a list of facts, the audience hears a portrait. Some examples of themes:

• She made everyone feel like the most important person in the room.
• He believed every problem had a solution if you were patient enough.
• She never stopped learning, at any age.
• He showed up, every single time.

Choose two or three stories that illustrate your theme best. Those stories are the heart of your eulogy.

Step 4: Structure Your Eulogy

A simple, reliable structure keeps you steady, both while writing and while speaking.

1. Opening (30–60 seconds)

Introduce yourself and your relationship to the person. Many people in the room may not know you.

For those I haven’t met, I’m Sam, and Rosa was my grandmother. For thirty-one years, I was lucky enough to sit at her kitchen table.

You can then state your theme or open with a short image that introduces it.

2. A Brief Life Overview (optional, 30–60 seconds)

If no one else is covering it, mention a few key facts: where they grew up, their family, work, or major chapters of their life. Keep this short. The obituary and program already hold the details.

3. Two or Three Stories (2–4 minutes)

This is the center. Tell each story with specific details, such as names, places, sounds, and the exact words they said, then briefly say what it shows about who they were. Specific moments are what people remember and repeat afterward.

4. What They Leave Behind (30–60 seconds)

Speak to their legacy: the people they influenced, the lessons they taught, the habits others will carry on.

5. Closing (30 seconds)

End with a farewell. This can be a direct address to the person, a favorite saying of theirs, a short reading or prayer if appropriate, or a simple sentence that returns to your theme.

Step 5: Write It Like You Talk

A eulogy is heard, not read, so write for the ear:

• Use short sentences. They’re easier to say through emotion and easier to follow.
• Use your natural voice. If you’d never say “she was a woman of remarkable fortitude,” don’t write it. Say “she was the toughest person I ever met.”
• Be specific. “She was generous” is forgettable. “She kept a drawer of wrapped gifts so no one who visited ever left empty-handed” is unforgettable.
• Speak to the room. Phrases like “Many of you knew…” or “If you ever ate at her table, you’ll remember…” bring the audience in.

Our guide on how to write a speech covers writing for listeners in more detail.

Step 6: Balance Grief With Warmth

A eulogy can hold sadness and smiles at the same time. In fact, a moment of laughter is often a gift to a grieving room. It reminds people of the person’s life, not just their death.

If you use humor:

• Make it affectionate. Laugh with the person, never at them.
• Keep it appropriate for everyone present, including children, elders, and people from different parts of their life.
• Let it serve the theme. A funny story should still show who they were.

You don’t need to be funny, and you don’t need to avoid sadness. Honesty is what matters. It’s fine to say, simply, “I miss her already.”

What to leave out: old conflicts, private family matters, the medical details of the death, and inside jokes only a few people will understand.

Sample Eulogy

The following is an original example written for this guide. The person and details are invented. It runs about four minutes when spoken.

For those I haven’t met, I’m Sam, and Rosa was my grandmother. For thirty-one years, I was lucky enough to sit at her kitchen table.

If you knew Rosa, you know that table. It was small, a little wobbly, and somehow it always had room for one more person. Neighbors, cousins, my friends from school, the mail carrier on cold days. Nobody was ever a guest at Rosa’s table for long. Within ten minutes, you were family, and within twenty, you were eating.

Rosa grew up in a house with eight brothers and sisters, and she used to say that’s where she learned two things: how to cook for a crowd, and how to make sure the quiet one gets a plate too. I think the second one mattered more to her.

When I was fourteen, I went through a hard year. I didn’t talk much, to anyone. Every Sunday, Rosa would set a plate in front of me, sit down across the table, and not ask a single question. She just started telling me stories. About her brothers. About the bakery where she worked as a girl. About the time she accidentally dyed my grandfather’s shirts pink. And somewhere in the middle of one of those stories, I’d start talking too. It took me years to realize she was doing it on purpose.

She did that for a lot of people. At the visitation yesterday, I lost count of how many of you told me some version of the same thing: “She always knew when something was wrong.” She did. And she never made you say it first.

Rosa also had opinions, and she shared them freely, especially about how much garlic was “enough.” The answer was always more. If any of you ever tried to help in her kitchen, you know you’d be handed an apron and a job within seconds, and you’d be told, kindly, that you were doing it wrong.

What she leaves behind isn’t just recipes, though I promise we’ll be making them for the rest of our lives. She leaves behind a way of paying attention. Of noticing who’s quiet. Of setting out one more plate.

Grandma, thank you for every Sunday. We’ll keep the table full.

Notice the structure: introduction and relationship, a theme (the table and her attention to others), a short life detail, two stories, a light moment, a legacy, and a closing line that returns to the theme.

Step 7: Practice and Prepare for Delivery

• Read it aloud at least three or four times. Time yourself. Cut anything that pushes you over your limit.
• Print it in large type, 14 to 16 point, double-spaced, with page numbers. Grief makes small text hard to read.
• Mark pauses. A slash or a line break where you want to breathe helps you slow down. Our guide to modulation in speech shows how pauses and pace shape meaning.
• Practice the hardest parts most. If a particular line makes you cry, read it until you can get through it, even if your voice wavers.
• Keep water nearby and know you can pause.
• Have a backup. Give a copy to a trusted family member or the officiant. If you find you can’t continue, they can step in and finish reading. This is common, and no one will think less of you.

Reading from a script is expected at a funeral. You don’t need to memorize anything. For tips on reading naturally from a page, see our guide to writing and delivering a manuscript speech.

On the Day: Staying Composed

• Breathe before you start. A slow breath in through the nose and a longer breath out helps calm your body. Our guide on overcoming stage fright has more techniques.
• Look for friendly faces. Find a few people who will nod and smile, and speak to them.
• Slow down. Nerves and grief both speed you up. Speak more slowly than feels natural.
• If you cry, pause. Take a breath, take a sip of water, and continue when you’re ready. The room is with you.

Common Eulogy Mistakes

• Trying to cover the whole life. Choose a theme and a few stories instead.
• Reading a résumé. Lists of jobs and achievements don’t capture a person.
• Making it about yourself. Personal stories are good, but keep the focus on them.
• Going too long. Respect the time limit, especially if others are speaking.
• Inside jokes and private matters that exclude or upset people in the room.
• Not practicing aloud. Words that look fine on paper can be hard to say through emotion.

Eulogy Checklist

• Have I confirmed my time limit and who else is speaking?
• Have I asked family or friends for stories?
• Do I have a clear theme?
• Have I chosen two or three specific stories that show who they were?
• Does my opening introduce me and my relationship to them?
• Is the language natural, specific, and easy to say aloud?
• Is any humor warm and appropriate for everyone present?
• Have I left out conflicts, private matters, and inside jokes?
• Have I practiced aloud and timed it?
• Is my copy printed in large type, with a backup given to someone I trust?

A Final Word

No eulogy is perfect, and none needs to be. The people listening aren’t grading you. They’re grateful someone is saying the things they feel. If you speak honestly, with a few true stories and a lot of love, you’ll have done exactly what a eulogy is for.